Monday, September 5, 2011

On The Fat Cats Of Ottawa

It's an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem.
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhikers Guide To the Galaxy, (film)

It is one of the most common myths in Canada that Ottawa is the home of fat cats. As per all rumors propagated by the Conservative Party of Canada this fact is grossly exaggerated! For all the peoples that have lived in the Ottawa area who descend back to the time before Ottawa replaced Bytown, having a fat cat in the house was considered a tactful display and sign of prosperity and benevolence. There is nothing like a fat happy cat in a home. Why would anyone resent that?

Junior says "I am not fat, just big boned..."
 Many fat cats are very deceiving due just to the first conclusion and observation by guests and strangers. The biggest misconception is that all fat cats are sickly and soft. If the said fat cat is a country cat, just outside of the modern City Limits, this is usually the first fatal error! Reality and the pet test will soon confirm that many fat cats are in fact as hard as a steel utility pole! And that everything beyond the diet kibbles was caught by the said fat cat with his own skills and feline expertise! Many rural residents report that after "dinner" there fat cats always want to go out to the nearest field to get the remaining five courses!

Junior says "The dog and the tory's can eat later..."
Another depressing popular misconception is that all fat cats are micro-controlling rage heads that are never for a moment at peace with the world or themselves. These fat cats would like to dispel that myth by reminding all peoples from outside Ottawa that not all cats are resident of 24 Sussex Drive. Please update your Rolodex!

Junior says "I know how to live..."
The most fatal mistake that a stranger can make is holding the stereotype that all fat cats are sluggish, slow and stupid. Fat cats greatly resent this. You don't get chewed up by Kingfishers and Badgers on a regular basis due to the fact that you are trying to rip their dinner off by being sluggish, slow and stupid. An amazing amount of fat cats have incredible speed.... Be careful.

Junior says "I,m  WHAT...??!!"
So for all you newbies that are just passing through the fair city of Ottawa getting your little corporate whore career card stamped on your pathetic road to oblivion, beware of making the wrong conclusions in any dealings with the fat cats of Ottawa!

Here is a tune that all cats can enjoy.....

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