Sunday, July 22, 2012

Subway And The Two Tone Brown Monkey

Experience, in all ages and in all countries, has demonstrated that it is impossible to control nature in her distribution of mental powers.
Thomas Paine, Rights of Man, p. 203

The Oracle of Ottawa marvels at the power and the callous stupidity of of certain marketing campaigns. It is absolute proof by demonstration that there exists much more money than brains. At first the Oracle of Ottawa  thought that it would all go away quickly, that creepy two-tone animated brown monkey that seems to be spearheading all the media advertisements of the Subway mega fast food monster here in the Canadian market. The ads appear in English and French.

(i.e. somewhere else...)

This two tone brown monkey really creeps the Oracle of Ottawa! How bad is it? Why the insect hominid reminds the Oracle of Ottawa of the same feeling as getting into an Ottawa cab that is being driven by a Pakistani jihadist that is back in Canada on sabbatical from the the mountains of Afganistan! The beady predatory eyes and the evenly filed teeth, just makes the Oracle of Ottawa's epidermis crawl in utter grossness. (And you guessed it; the jihadists don't appreciate their cover being blown either.) And every movement in its body language states that you are the object of its utter and total contempt. Well excuse this old white man for living!

A Subway in its natural state  - Empty....

The subliminal messages in the ads state to the Oracle of Ottawa that he is not really welcome in a Subway. The subtle nuances say to the Oracle of Ottawa that all you old white honkey farts that expect total and perfect food every time and on every visit can just go somewhere else! The two tone brown monkey seems to be gunning for a less discriminating demographic. And the Oracle of Ottawa damn near fell of his sofa when, while watching a Major League Baseball game, the latest ads were running with characters that were of African American descent! The first thought that went through the Oracles mind was; What the hell would Jackie Robinson think? Doesn't MLB keep a very close eye on the marketing that could adversely affect the brand? They damn well should...

Now the Oracle of Ottawa knows very many former urban road warriors, that worked for various  levels of government here in Ottawa, whose jobs required them to be always on the road during their former work days. From several discussions the Oracle of Ottawa soon learned from these seasoned hands, people who really know of such things, that if you want to avoid "road rash", never, never, never eat anything, especially anything that contains "meat" from a Subway sandwich shop!

What is road rash you ask? Well that is the treat you get from eating in places you really shouldn't have. Several of the seasoned hands explained to the Oracle of Ottawa that they can readily understand how Jared the Subway guy, lost so much weight so fast! And, if you check into it yourself, he seems to be in no hurry to repeat the masterful feat of self marketing. Oy vey!

Now the best Subways in Ottawa are located in the brand new suburbs. And the young kid who works there really has no idea how to make a steak sub. His Mom still cuts his meat for him at home! And the Oracle of Ottawa must say that he always wears the gloves! Yes Sir! He wears them all the time. When primping his greasy hair and massaging his inflamed zits, just so ready to pop, anytime now! And especially when he squares off the rest room, he doesn't want to catch anything untoward, now does he? And of course he wears them when he makes your sub. Unfortunately for you it is the same gloves!

Yes, the Oracle of Ottawa remembers a number of "special" occasions the results of eating at a said certain sandwich shop. It was like a two toned brown monkey crawled up his colon and died. Only to be crapped out in wet sludgey, cramppy agony, with the cold pleasure that he had given birth to yet another new marketing concept!   

Is it just the Oracle of Ottawa, or is that that two tone brown monkey evil creepy?

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