Letter to Hu Jintao

Woman who sleeps with lemon douche, wakes up with sour puss!
Confucius, Unsourced.

Dear Hu:

Received your last by your embassy courier. The guy looked real worn out Hu! Holy smokes man! How long a day do you work these poor people? I know you have that nasty employee compound down by the City of Ottawa snowplow garage near the freeway.. Nasty business.. Just wondering... do you block the internet there to? Just curious.

Sorry Hu, No Three Penis wine...

I know how you hate these gajun tours. We are so uncivilized... But I will answer as many of your questions as I can. First; Hillary was not winking at you Hu! She was winking at Mrs. Hu, your fly was down...Sorry Mate.. But Mrs. Hu assured Hillary that whether your fly was down or up wouldn't make any difference...
Glad you found dinner acceptable, sorry about all that premium California and French wine... I know you prefer a warm bottle of Three Penis wine after a hard day... Marketing my friend... And I am truly sorry that for all the time in the great U.S.A. you never saw one hot gajun teenager in a brides maid dress. I know, no hospitality at all for the future masters of Earth... Our bad...

Lots of heat here in the degenerate imperialist media about your treatment of that poor translator. Well I checked it out with a few reliable sources, and well, er,, are sitting down Hu? I will tell you. You see your translator escaped curfew, and well, she had a Hell of a night on the town! My sources tell me that she rode that African American Marine like a Dragoons head  at Chinese New Years! Note that the smile wouldn't come off her face? I know; very un Chinese!! Oh be nice Hu! Everyone should have a souvenir!

Now Hu it just isn't true! The gajun hotties don't think your gross and unattractive.. And it isn't because of your weird eyes! If I had my head up my ass for four thousand years even my eyes would look funny! Give it time my friend.. And be nice! Benevolence really pays off with the gajuns...

In closing Hu may I have a favor? I mean I have been perfectly frank and pulled in a lot of favors to answer your questions truthfully.. Okay? Right! Thanks! Could you get those poor embassy employees out of my local shopping malls? You know the ones in the big Chinese Confucius propaganda push? You know the Chinese Opera ticket give away? To us its like listening to an ethered canary on helium! Hu? Are you there? Hu? Hu?
                                                                                                                     Your Snowflake gajun;
                                                                                                                         Oracleofottawa....